January 2020
Reflection
It took me all day to reflect on 2019. You could say that this time in 2018 was only about 6 months of learning to live without Steve and I truly had not processed or learned to grieve especially losing my mom 5 months prior to him.
2019 was a year of grief. I gave myself permission to grieve. After taking care of someone fighting a battle you wish he didn’t have too I didn’t think I was allowed to grieve him as a mom because I had two people counting on me to take care of them still, all while trying to help them grieve their father. But I knew I needed to take care of me in order to be the best mom for them. So, I walked the road of grief at my own pace and with whom I chose to share the experience. I embraced my grief with counseling and did not allow others to drive the direction of my grieving or get in my way.
I learned that even though I could not hold my husbands hand or him in my arms any longer – my love for him still grows each day in my heart. I gave myself permission to share the love I have for him with others by telling stories, sharing memories(socially) and saying his name often and learning that I can still have a loving relationship with Steve after his death because Love does not die.
There were times when I felt being happy was being disloyal to him. That it was not fair. None of this was fair. But I then realized that he would not have wanted me to be unhappy. That I needed to show Aidan and Keiran that making new memories with them and living with joy was Ok. So, this past year I learned to live life, with all its joyful moments as a family, for the both of us.
There were days in my grief where I could not tell another person how I truly felt because if I did I would have crumbled to the ground in pieces. On those days I was not strong enough to let others see the pain but I had some that just knew and convinced me to take a break and breathe. I may be stubborn but they knew what I needed and I learned to listen, agree and start to heal.
Healing now means, learning to live with the grief, to wear the scar on my heart that love and loss have left behind but still feel the ache and see the ugliness of where the grief entered me.
Healing also means allowing myself to enjoy parts of life again, without the guilt, without pain, but learning to let laughter, love and all things good creep back into my life and show my boys as they have shown me we can live happily while still honoring their dad.
So thank you 2019 and many of you for traveling this new journey with me/us and the support you have continued to show us.
I look forward to many more moments of happiness and peace in 2020!
New Year Quote for me:
One day you will look back and see
That all along you were blooming ❤️
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