5.21.2019
I’d stop the world if it gave us time.” So true. “If you love someone and you’re not afraid to lose ‘em, you probably never loved someone like I do”. True again.
I guess you could say, I never thought I was a strong person because I thought YOU were the strongest person that I knew. Stubborn is more like who I am which may come across as being strong but for sure it is stubbornness.
What is strength? You fought for yourself and us for 3 years. You never gave up. Never a break from chemo or a new trial.
For those who didn’t know, we were told on May 2nd that Steve could no longer undergo any treatment. He was still working until then. Yes, working. No more travel but he worked from home. He filed for short term disability only on May 4th to take time off from working so that he could gain strength in hopes of being strong enough to try a new treatment or another trial, something, in order to beat this awful disease. In less than 3 weeks we would not be hand in hand any longer fighting. He was my fighter. He was the definition of strength!
Steve, you told me I would be ok and that you knew I would know what to do and how to live and be strong for the boys.
Some days I don’t feel so strong but try to live strong for you and them every day as you did for us. Your two boys over these last 12 months, have been the strong ones.
Do we have rough days and evenings. Yes and often. Will it get easier? From what I’ve been told, not easier just different. The hardest part is definitely living and moving on without you. People keep telling me life goes on and that you would want me to go on but that to me is truly the saddest/hardest part.
I find it hard to believe we have been living without you for 1 year. You are missed. Maybe missed more now these days. Our hearts still ache. BUT...We are here, we got up everyday, together, pushing through and conquering the day, the hour, and the week.
My truth: I came, I saw, and I….got through it? This is mostly because I HAD to, not because of some phenomenal strength of character. But nevertheless, I survived. I’ve learned tons about my needs, my self care and what triggers me as I’ve navigated this grief journey over the last 12 months. What I do know is, I will not ever be the same person I once was.
I found wisdom that can only come through a tortuous journey of grief and with your guidance from above, you sent me your/my strength. My inner resilience.
I am now rebuilding a life for one that was meant for two. I didn’t choose to be a widow, but I do get to choose how my life moves forward, especially with our boys.
In your final days and hours, you gave me the gifts of intimacy, affirmation and love. You looked at me and through your eyes asked for a kiss everyday especially when you could no longer speak. We held hands at night while sleeping, not wanting to let each other go. Those moments, your parting gifts to me, showed me that our love was a gift and that I was and am blessed.
Today. Today, the boys and I honored your wishes. It took me this whole year to say goodbye and let you go, again , but I knew it had to be done. You wanted to be in the water so I knew I had to do this for you. You said sending you off into the water would mean you would be flowing/following anywhere we were in the world. The ocean would always be around us and there you would be. With us.
The boys and I shared this same intimacy of your love today as we let you go again, which was not easy. Cried and Hugged each other and told you we loved you and watched you flow away.
You may be off this earth but you will never be forgotten, my love, not by me or those two boys. This I promise.
Looking in the face of year two, I see more reality than I did at the start of this years journey. I see a long road ahead without you. This new truth is a very lonely one. I guess year one knew I couldn’t handle all of the revelations at once so it saved plenty for this next year coming.
I’m ready to slay the next 12 months....I think, with your guidance from above and knowing you are all around me and your boys.
We definitely celebrated you these last couple days. I am so glad we took this time together. New adventures in Mattituck thanks to Aunt Anne and Uncle Kevin. Drove the jeep around to sports, fished (unsuccessfully I’m afraid) played risk, and we ended today at the movies watching Avengers End Game (yes 3 hrs... you owe me).. & you would have loved all of this!
Steve, We love you and live everyday for you.
Thank you all for loving him, for loving and supporting us and for all your messages and memories shared today and always.
Focus + Capture + Develop: 1 Year Later
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