5.21.2021
Seriously? Has it really been 3 years? 3 years without Steve by my side. 3 years of missed milestones together. Over a year dealing with a pandemic on our own. And most importantly 3 years my boys have not had their dad.
This third year has been about living again. I have made some big life changes that I think would make you proud. Moving forward without you is definitely a struggle. For two years I tried to hold onto our life. But the more time passes, the harder it gets.
I won’t lie. It hasn’t gotten easier, I think I (we) just got better at coping with it all. Nothing will ever make me not miss you, Steve. And there isn’t a force on earth that could make me forget you and all that we had. I have two reminders living this journey with me daily. But time has begun to dull the pain a bit, and I guess you can say I have gotten used to the scars.
The days that lead up to your death anniversary are hard, sometimes it feels like I’m reliving the last two weeks you were still here. It’s been 3 years now, will it ever feel like it didn’t just happen?
So, I am entering this new journey of self-discovery and health but I feel compelled to say that it does not take away all that we were. It does not mean that I did not enjoy “our” things. I just need to discover my thing without you now. Acknowledging that hurts me so much. Every day I try to walk confidently, conquer things I may never have thought I would, I manage, and I grow, all with our boys by my side. But, on this day, this 3rd year anniversary, I am reminded that my heart still aches for US.
Grief can kind of hurt our bodies physically. Few people will warn you of this feeling, but it’s true. Grief can feel like a full-on assault to your body and mental state. The brain fog is just the tip of the bereavement iceberg that first year.
My mom would always tell me that my first words and sentence was “me do it”! Today she would be proud as I’ve gotten pretty good at letting people in and asking for help when I need it...for me, this is HUGE and that wasn’t the case three years ago, and I know I made things a lot more complicated than they needed to be. You just feel like you don’t want to burden others with what is going on and when you’re in crisis mode, it’s almost next to impossible to think of what you might need or what someone who is not going through what you are, could actually do for you.
I am finally reaching the point where I am more interested in looking forward than looking back and this is now another hard truth, especially when we hit quarantine and being completely isolated at home. There was no WE/US getting through the quiet and never-ending days of working and living 24/7 at home, it was just ME.
I will say, time is helping me re-discover some joy in life; including laughter, love, and peace. I have been opening my eyes wider and do try to find the meaning and even the beauty in all of what has happened. I know it’s there and around me.
I can find it in the sunrise, sunset, my walks with Clover and with unexpected bird nests being built in our garage, annually.
As I reflect on the last 3 years, I have such love for those who stood (and still stand) with us in our worst possible moment and continue to bring a beautiful light to this darkness. The friendships of those new people who have come into our lives now and the beauty of the songs and memories that tug at your lips before tugging at your heartstrings. There is beauty in all of it...I know this.
I sometimes try to remember that person I used to be, the one who lived before I watched my love take his last breath. But then I think, why? I am moving forward. Living THIS moment. Moving forward does not mean moving on or forgetting, it means to focus on living life in THIS moment. It’s the only moment that matters now and how to be happy.
So, today, on this day that we said goodbye 3 years ago, the boys have planned to play hookie with me. We are going to live in this moment together for you, for us. We will tell more stories, make more memories and smile because you gave us so much to smile about.
It's not easy to move forward without you, but we are finding that it is possible. The healing doesn't happen overnight nor has it and we may never get over losing you, but we are learning to live with you not being here.
I've come to realize that loving someone until their last breath is an honor and it takes tremendous courage. Our love story will never end, I promise you that. I will also never stop telling it. Steve, we love you and will live our days to make you proud. Always.
Year Three: You walk over grief... and that is what I intend to do!
xoxo,
Katie - the broken warrior
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